“The breakfast of champions is not a cereal,” a great man once wrote. “It’s the opposition.”
There you go.
To etch your name on the Cox Classic trophy, you need a little of that acid.
That macho stuff. That high-fiving, ass-slappin’, whoop-whoopin,’ you-da-mannin’, testosteronedrinkin’, two-a-dayin’ WILL TO WIN. You know what I’m talkin’ about!
And of course you need a woman.
“Whoa! Whoa!” I can hear you saying. “Dude, you’ve lost me. A woman?!”
Yes. You need a W -O -M -A -N.
I know, you’ve read fifteen articles that pretend to tell you how to win a scramble and nobody’s mentioned this. You’ve heard the theories: Get a Great Putter. Get a Big Hitter. Get Four Great Putters. Get Guys You Like. Get Going Quickly. Get Something to Drink. Get Four Great Putters Who Drink. Do What Capn’ Hal Sutton Would Do. And so on. No mention of a woman.
Of course not! If you knew the secret to winning the Cox Classic, would you tell anyone else? Oh sure, and “Come across the middle, Mr. Wide Receiver, Mr. Safety won’t hurt you!”
As a member of the team that has won this event three times, and is married to his team’s Most Valuable Player, trust me, you need a woman. Preferably a woman named Julie, who stands about 5’8″, is disproportionately hot, reasonably athletic, would drink Windex if she thought it would make her more competitive, and — here’s the kicker — hits a golf ball 200 yards as straight as new rope.
Those are your keywords: Red Tees, 200 yards, straight. You see, 200 yards from most red tees translates to 300 yards from many white tees. And 300 yards is a good, workable drive on most any hole. Our Julie’s a little longer than 200 yards, but you’ve got to crawl before you can walk, you get me?
Once you’ve got a Julie, all sorts of good things happen. Such as, you’re hitting five-irons into par fives. Even on the long fives, where you may need to hit say, a 4-iron or one of those Rescue deals, you’re way ahead of the pack, which is having to play a 240-yard drive they only think is 300.
Four eagles equal eight birdies is the math we live by. At which point all the toys are falling from the trees.
Let me reiterate: Having Julie takes the pressure off your long game. It also takes the pressure off your short game. It frees up your putting. And it allows you to focus on those tricky skill shots: The hated half-wedge or the Hole-in-One.
By the way, it also means that Mike Marion, tournament chairman, wants you to play in his group, so you get to start on No. 1. If the architect wanted to begin his course where you do, he wouldn’t have called it 15B.
So there’s your secret. Bring a Julie. It’s why Hootie had four daughters.